Posted in humor

Having All The Answers

We interrupt this broadcast for an important message: I have a new answering machine.

My old one died. May it rest in peace.

I was so proud of myself because I went out and bought a new one lickety-splickety. Usually, I deliberate over these things for days, months, even years. I go to the store, study boxes, compare brands, features, prices. I visit another store. On and on, till I get thoroughly exhausted. Then I sit and read Consumer Reports and look at reviews online.

This time I went to one store and chose my new answering machine without thinking twice. I suppose it helped that there was only one kind of answering machine on the shelf (and the other store I called had the exact same model).

One thing I appreciated about my Dearly Departed is it had a speakerphone; whenever I was put on hold, I’d draw or write.

                               Interviewer: So when did you find the time to write your novel?

                               Yours Truly: It all started when I was put on hold.


I’m supposed to register my new machine online; that will facilitate things in the event of a product theft or loss. I can just imagine someone breaking in to steal my brand new answering machine. No doubt because such things have become relics. My old brand is only available on eBay. And as anyone knows, one day my new $20 machine will be worth millions. As for any other kind of loss, I can’t bear the thought. It was hard enough watching my old machine die. It had been in my life fifteen and a half years. No wonder it had all the answers. We had a small service. People called to pay their respects. 

Looking on the bright side, my new machine holds up to ninety-nine messages. Ninety-nine messages, up to three minutes each in length, for a total of sixty minutes. Whoa. New machine, new math.

No matter. The key thing is all those messages. 

Let the calls begin!




I am a rather obscure 14th C. poet, whose work has been translated into over thirty dialects of gibberish. I now spend my days translating from the gibberish into English and back again, as need be.

6 thoughts on “Having All The Answers

  1. Congrats on figuring out a manual to set up the new machine! As for the old one, what relics of those years it must retain in its plastic bosom. For 99 messages on the new one, how many ways can someone say, “Hello or Hi”? Linguists, a new challenge!


  2. hmmm…. i haven’t had an answering machine for a long long time now. with mobile phones, i thought answering machines and landlines for that matter were on the decline. I hope your new machine gives you the opportunity to write a new novel!


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